All or Nothing...
I used to feel if I didn't tell everyone everything I was being dishonest and untrue. The guilt would eat away at me and then I couldn't understand if others weren't completly honest with me, as being honest is an important christian value. However, some information is personal and not meant for someone who you've just met - it can be too overwelming. I didn't understand boundaries. Or, I would go the other way and completly hide the big things going on in my life, as I was worried of being judged and punished. I had an all or nothing approach to everything. I became a master of hiding important things, as well as, a master of telling everyone the minute details of emotion, to keep them away from the big things that were going on (omitting the truth).
I didn't know who or how to trust. I had trusted the wrong people before in the past, who had used my inner most secrets/worries against me. It got to a point where I lost who I was, as I was too proud at times to ask for help and share the details, for fear of judgement or punishment. God has helped me through this by placing me in some difficult circumstances where I have had no choice but to turn to others for help. I loved helping people but hated being on the recieving end of needing help. It felt uncomfortable, admitting that I wasn't capable and it compounded a lie - I got it wrong/I'm a failure and I'm weak as I need help.
These are not thoughts I had when I helped others but they were the negative automatic thoughts I would have about myself. Each time I would score it up, as evidence for a case against myself, proving my unworth. God wants us to depend on him but for most of my life I had to depend on myself - I was used to sorting out my own problems. I was always trying to work out Gods moves and lived in fear of punishment. I knew He was a God of love but it contradicted everything I had learnt about life. I had to learn to trust Him.
This has not been a quick or easy fix but God wanted more, I wanted more from our relationship. I wanted to trust and have faith but independance and the fear of getting it wrong and being punished was deeply rooted in me. Its a lie that Satan could easily tune into. I'm thankful that God was not satisfied with that relationship and He helped me to see the truth. God used my circumstances, He placed people into my life who would not give up on helping me, He taught me to find out who He is for myself - and He is Good! He healed me from my past through therapy and prayer, He taught me boundaries to protect myself, He kept me safe and I learnt to trust Him, He answered prayers and taught me to take leaps of faith - He brought me back to life.
Life rarely ever goes tickety boo but now I have tools in my tool kit to help me when the bad days/thoughts come and I know that God wants good things for me and I can trust in Him because He is perfect and He always has my back!
Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus Romans 8:1