It's fair to say my blog posts have been very sporadic... One moment i feel like i'm nailing this lockdown living and the next i feel so low. I've just been getting through and doing what i need to do for my family and the home. I've not felt very inspirational so therefore not many posts but actually I guess I'm not the only one feeling like this and knowing someone else feels the same can be helpful and we can encourage one another through. It's never good to deny your feelings or pretend everything's great when it's not, so I thought I'd blog about being meh...
Obviously lockdown is new to everyone and there are ups and downs to be expected. Some people take rules literally and feel angry when others don't do the same. I have to admit I'm not one for following the arrows around the supermarket - it's not that I don't care - my head is just filled with a million things, that I forget. Anxiety and food intolerance's means i often have to pick up items, read the labels and then i can think about making a decision as to what I want. I worry about tuts and upsetting others which just fills me with more anxiety and makes it even harder to focus on what I'm supposed to do and make a decision. I know it sounds ridiculous but no one said anxiety was logical! I do try and avoid the shops but i do miss normal care free shopping.
I find i'm spending much more time on social media than i used too - getting my people and social fix. Whilst this does fill a need, it also takes away quite a bit of the day and then i feel like I've not achieved much. I find that its filled with lots of adverts so then i want more things! And talking about things... although the shops have closed, spending money online has become more appealing. I have to be careful as the 'things' bring me happiness, something to look forward to, but its not real happiness, they soon loose their shine and then i want more new things! This seems to have increased - perhaps because I'm being more exposed to advertising or seeing the edited versions of everybody else's great life, or because i'm searching for happiness in the wrong place.
I started lockdown with great intentions of daily exercise but this has just withered away. I know that it would do me good both physically and mentally but I've just lost all motivation, along with the rest of my family. I've certainly packed on the pounds from not doing as much as i normally would in a day and then comforting myself with food or drinks in the evening. Treats for getting through the day have been a common theme and now my clothes are starting to feel tighter... I'd love to have been one of those 'lets get fit' people but i just don't have the headspace right now. I eat when I'm stressed, bored and feeling down, so lockdown has not been good helped this for me.
My 2 autistic children are both moving to new settings next September and trying to organise transition in the current climate feels impossible. Trying to get my eldest child to do anything also feels impossible. He hasn't left the house in weeks due to his anxieties. I'm sorting things out with the local authority, current school and future placement but its slow and also unknown as to how life will be come September. It's difficult to plan when everything is so uncertain. It is worrying/stressful as i want their new placements to be successful and to help them as best I can.
Home education, I wish i was doing more and home edding like i know home ed to be, but i'm struggling just to get through the basics! I think because I've lost my mojo, i find it hard to motivate others. I can also accept that they too probably aren't feeling all too motivated either. It's not easy for them too. However school work is being done and then i let them have free time, which normally involves a screen. I guess this could be looked down upon but then again I'm also head in my screen!
My faith - i have been praying and bible journaling but if i'm honest i find online church really hard to connect too. It reminds me of missing out on fellowship and that's important to me. Listening to worship music has really helped me and i do enjoy singing and worshipping God. God has really helped me when I've felt overwhelmed and turning to him in prayer has definitely helped me through this time. I'm so thankful I know Jesus and have a faith.
I do find it hard to pick up the phone and call people. I've not felt able to put on 'happy me' or that i'd have anything interesting to contribute to a conversation. I know it would help me but i just can't face it. I do have family and I have a lovely group of friends who i whatsapp, texting seems so much easier especially if feeling meh.
I have tried different activities to keep my mind busy but i flit, i day dream and procrastinate to the point the day is over! Also when I'm feeling low its hard to do the things that i enjoy - this is because of a chemical imbalance. I also, due to distorted thinking patterns, feel i have to earn the right to do something for myself and when i'm low, i don't feel I've earned it.
Sleep patterns are still sporadic but they always have been. Due to medication etc i try and take an afternoon nap - sometimes mid morning to help me get through the day. Sometimes i just lie and rest for an hour, sometimes its a full on sleep. I'm a nicer person for it. If I don't have this nap, i'm the no good for nothing around 6pm and then i have an awful nights sleep. I have weird disturbed dreams and wake through the night.
Part of me wants to give myself a good kick up the backside for being slack and unmotivated and the other part of me is saying 'be kind to yourself! This is hard', I do have a mental health illness but this is hard for everyone. I do have distorted thinking patterns and the groups where I go for support etc are not able to run right now so i'm managing as best i can. Some of my coping mechanisms are not helpful but they are helping me get through the everyday, for now.
There are lots of different depressive and anxiety disorders, there are also approx 5 levels of treatments for each one (1 being recognising and talking about it, 3 medication and 5 being hospitalisation) so whilst some people who have these mental illnesses appear to bounce back, others will have a different type or level and can't. It's not a case of one size fits all. It's not an excuse, its my reality.
I have (mostly) enjoyed having my children around (not so much the meltdowns) and my husband working from home, I am really thankful for my home and the space, i'm thankful that although my husband has had 2 pay cuts during this time, he still has a job, i'm thankful for my pets and that i can get hold of my medication. I'm thankful for NHS and messages from my doctor to check in on how i'm doing. I'm thankful for my friends and family and for my faith! This time has shown me again and again how blessed I am.
So that's me, how are you and how are you finding lockdown? are you thriving or surviving? what are you doing or have discovered? I'd love to hear from you in the comments :)